The latest submission to the broadsheets: Tattenhall Runners Christmas Party, 11 Dec. The Club’s Christmas Shindig was held last Friday at Mitchell’s in Tattenhall, an evening of little black numbers and striped shirts (plus one fetching golf jumper), festive food, plenty of drink and an (optional) workout session to round off matters. For the purpose of this report and following the ‘What happens in Tattenhall stays in Tattenhall’ principle the major players’ identities have been reduced to initials. Disappointingly, unlike previous years there was no mass pre-party get together in the Letters Inn, although LSW did try her luck but, receiving a reception much like that of the 2 tourists in the ‘Slaughtered Lamb’ pub in ‘An American Werewolf in London’ she tottered out as quickly as she could. Following pre-dinner drinks and well-thought out reminders of chosen menus from AS there was a rush to table for the main event and an enjoyable 3-course meal plus the ubiquitous (but delicious) mince pies, along with cracker pulling, gurning (for the camera) and woeful jokes. Dinner despatched, the ladies, plus ‘Two Hearts’ SE, took to the improvised dance floor for some club dancing – seven! KS performed her whirling dervish impression during ‘Dancing Queen’ (see picture on Flickr), AS seemed to have suffered an epileptic fit during ‘Beat It’, JC’s team-coloured co-ordinated outfit shimmered throughout, JR looked bemused (see Flickr) … and LSW still tottered. AB meanwhile searched for Tattenhall’s best legs in a line up which came down to a choice between AD, C nee J, EB, LSW and AG and, predictably, the rest of the evening was spent by most in an alcoholic fug (notable exceptions LR and SA) although TC somehow managed to find his way back to the Letters and there remained for some few hours. Throughout, HR retained a Gallic air of detachment. The evening was extremely well-organised throughout for which our Down the Pub team are heartily congratulated! Christmas Handicap, 13 Dec. After a day’s recovery the annual Christmas handicap, organised for the first time by ‘Doc’ Martin Durrant (who also provided the prizes), took place on Sunday 13th Dec with 25 keen participants. The standard of fancy dress adopted this year was very high (and quite camp) ranging from the superhero - Batman and WonderWoman (worryingly the latter being a gender bender exercise), the traditional festive characters – Christmas Pudding, Santa Claus, 2 Elves, a reindeer, one of the Three Wise Men (or was that Usain Bolt in a cape?), through to a French Legionnaire (not HR) and the downright unhinged, Tim Burtonesque Christmas tree; again, see the Flickr site for evidence but don’t look alone. Following an intense lobbying process Martin had finally worked out the handicaps and, on a lovely bright morning but amidst much grumbling, the runners were despatched on their 4 mile jaunt, most handicapped by time and costume. Although it seemed to those at the finish line that Nick Holmes was set to win, it was discovered that this was only because his bells could be heard the whole way round the course and, in fact, there was an all-lady 1, 2, 3 with Sue Ellis leading home Hilary Murdoch with Jen Chambers in 3rd. Paul Miller was first man back but the fastest team runner was Andrew Sudlow and the fastest participant (is this getting confusing?) was James Ellis. The fastest lady was Alison Smith and the prize for best fancy dress went to Tanker Rob for his non-PC, George Mitchell Wise Man garb. The food, provided by members of the Club was delicious and plentiful, lovingly presented by Colin and Laynie, and the highlights were Jen Chamber’s bread slicing, Tim’s Mum’s Fish Pie, the Curry, the Shepherd’s Pie and Martin’s Christmas cake. All agreed that the whole weekend had been an unqualified success and thoughts are already on even more garish outfits for next year. Mark’s (Dark) Bob Graham. Mark Smith takes on the challenge of a night-time Bob Graham starting next Friday evening (18th) and all Club members wish him all the best in his efforts- we know you’ve put the hard miles in Mark and we know you’ll nail it! A glance at the weather forecast suggests he and his supporters should wrap up well! There will be normal sessions this week on Tue and Thu evening from the Club.

Great articles Dave. They wonderfully describe the essence of both occasions. Although, outsiders won't have a clue what you are talking about

I love that article Dave, unashamedly full of hilarious references for the clued up only. AS is likely to be most peeved at not making the final of ABs best legs competition! George Michael wise man - brilliant! I won't be able to look at LSW now without thinking of tottering, Likewise JC and bread slicing....

Brilliant. i hope they publish it?

Brilliant article Dave, with excellent switching between characters, confused - you will be

Gender bender? Maybe I should have chosen a more conservative outfit - I'm not sure I want to be known as the club's transvestite! I thought Tim already had that title?

That's why Dave Knott calls me Dainty Laynie.......... I didn't know AB was doing a legs competition. He should have done the boxer short one as Pete Avery decided to drop his jeans to flash me his Calvin Kleins whilst doing a little jig. Mark was so drunk he didn't notice whilst talking to me.......

How very dare you?! I was merely engrossed in our conversation.

Brilliant articles Dave!! He He He! Cant wait to read it in the Chron!!

PS - have you thought about sending it into athletics weekly??